My new normal

I announced on Facebook that I'm pregnant for those of you who may have missed that post. The hibernating post had nothing to do with being pregnant, it was seriously the fact that I had nothing to post. Now I'm a little behind on posting because Brooklyn had her birthday, but I don't have the pictures downloaded yet so I begin with this post.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my miserable daily life is my new normal for a few months. I'm trying to think of it as just another chapter in my life. Albeit, a horribly boring and depressing chapter. I literally lay in bed all day, well as much as possible. I do my best not to move so as not to aggravate the nauseousness. Some days it works and some days I know the inactivity is killing me too. I try to will myself to do more, but when I stand up and feel the need to be sick, I lay back down again. It's a vicious cycle. I do take Zofran, but I'm afraid it's not really helping so than I wonder why I take it. It does help me keep somethings down, but not everything. I dread food. My kitchen makes me sick. The doctor tells me to keep drinking and eating nutritious and that just might kill me. I know it's important, but literally nothing sounds good. I wish I had some craving just so I would want to eat something. Yes, I still eat. I have to. I'm like a newborn baby, feed me every 2-3 hours. Then I'm so full it makes me sick. I don't even eat that much, but I still feel so full. I try to do this to keep the nausea at bay. Some days it works and some days it doesn't. I fear eating because I don't want to have it reappear later. Some foods just don't settle well and it scares me to play that guessing game.
I literally want to roll up in a ball and sleep the next 10 weeks away. When I sleep nothing hurts and all is well in the world. However, everyone has to wake up. I do take naps, but even some days that proves to be the wrong choice.
I don't mean to whine. It breaks my heart to complain and whine over something that I have wanted desperately. Marty and I had been trying to get pregnant for 17 months. It was a very hard time in my life. I was angry, sad, frustrated, and confused to name a few of my emotions. There were some very dark months during that time. I was bitter toward so many of you who could have beautiful healthy babies. My empathy to those people who struggle to conceive was expanded. I know my time frame was short compared to so many others. So as I complain I try to think of those who would give anything to feel the way I feel right now and some days I feel like I would give it to them if I could. However, they are on a different chapter in their life.
There is one thing I cannot deny. One thing that my testimony was strengthened of during my trial, is that none of us are alone. I felt loneliness during that time and sometimes I still do (who doesn't?). However, I do know my Savior Jesus Christ was and is with me. He helped me get to the point I needed to be in my life where I finally felt what I had was enough. I learned to stop comparing myself to others so much. I didn't need what everyone else had. I only needed what the Lord had in store for me. Now I know he will help me get through this hard time as well. It's not very long in the big scheme of things, but it feels like forever to me right now. I take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.
I see daily tender mercies that I cannot deny either. So many family and friends have already been a huge help to me. I can't thank you enough for the part you are doing in working miracles in my life!
So as I look back over the last year and a half, I've seen how my family has grown and how now is the perfect time for this additional child to join our family. It doesn't mean it's not going to be hard along the way. My poor husband is learning the art of making dinner each night. I cannot will myself to do that yet. My girls are old enough to basically care for themselves. Sure, they watch too many movies or play too many games and don't get enough one-on-one time. However, neither of them are in diapers and they both know how to entertain themselves (most of the time). Brooklyn is a huge help when she's home. I probably should have taught them more about how to make their own lunch, but I get through lunch time mostly unharmed. And though having my youngest almost 4 is not what I had in mind when I had another baby, it's going to work for me. It may not work for anyone else, but it works for me.